Filter Fraud

Ok girls. I see what you’re doing. It’s taken me awhile, but I finally figured it out.

Well, to be honest someone right-out told me, but I still feel like a mystery has been solved, and I solved
it. That’s all that matters here.

I’ve been told that I’m not always cutting edge when it comes to technology. While a little harsh – there
could be some truth to this. My 9 year old may or may not guide me on phone now and then, and my
teen may laugh when I can’t get take a photo properly. But to be fair, doesn’t EVERYONE hit ‘video’ by
mistake on occasion?

Whatever. I may not be the sharpest – but I’ve just figured out you ladies have been up to. You’re using APPS.

Facebook can be a minefield of emotions. When you navigate the personal lives of your Facebook friends it can be overwhelming.
Aww… her baby is so sweet?
Dear Lord … what is she wearing?
Way to go! A graduate!!
Awesome – she got a new job!
I’m gutted … another illness.
Superb – they won first place!
…what did she just say about guns?

It’s no wonder I’ve been gravitating to the pretty pictures of Instagram. Until – I started feeling like the only ol’broad on the feed. Not only were my friends looking fantastic for their ages, but they were aging in reverse. According to Instagram – they were Benjamin Buttoning.

At first, I took it at face value (pun intended). I guess I must be the only one deleting selfies. Geez, can’tthat thing take a good picture?

The photos in questions were so incredible, so flawless, these friends were starting to get peppered with questions on how they could look so good. The replies included “it’s just makeup!” and “aww thank you – good lighting!”

Believing wrinkle-free portraits could be achieved with just the stroke of a makeup brush – I headed to Sephora and proceeded to empty out my wallet. Turns out you actually need to know what you’re doing with that stuff, or you end up looking like Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games. That was a fail. Oh – and the lighting they spoke of? Nowhere to be found.

And then it happened. One, sweet, honest, brave Instagrammer mentioned she was using an App. (Picture now the skies clearing, rainbows appearing and the sound of symphony. Or, in my case George Michael singing ‘Freedom’. Continue…)

Apps can make you look wrinkle free? Perfectly contoured? Put ON make up with one touch? Give you pearly whites? Perfect your hair colour? What is this witch craft?

I sat down with my friend Josh (a wine, not a person – don’t judge) to investigate. With FaceApp as my chosen method, I simply selected ‘hollywood’. Ah. Maze. Ing.

I’m posting the results here ‘cause, the last time I looked that good in my kitchen on a Wednesday was – well, never.

Note: this App also includes some entertaining options like ‘hitman’ ‘old’ and ‘mustache’, which made for a fun evening with our friends. I now have a collection of very odd pictures of our dear buddy as a woman. I don’t know what I’ll do with these photos – but it’s going to be good.

Back to the App. Now that I’ve seen what can be done with a simple download, I’ve figured out what y’all have been doing. It wasn’t make up or lighting. It was smart phone magic. And now that the secret is out, I can do it too. Which I’m certain makes it all less meaningful.if old girls like me can get erase the hands of time … what will you girls do next to up the ante?

Game on ladies. Game on. But look on the bright side – whatever you figure out, it’ll take me at least a year to catch up. Unless my 9 year old sees it first.

If you’ve fallen victim to filter frauds – feel free to share. Misery really does love company.