Even I can’t believe I’m writing about this.

I recently shared a fun conversation with my bff. The topic? My anxiety ‘quirks’ and ‘concerns’. Some of them, (I’ll admit) a little over the top.

Imagine my joy when she quickly assured me that she shared similar thoughts and worries. I wasn’t alone.

While I was aglow in the warmth of this validation (although I’m certain she was just being kind), she had the audacity to suggest I write about it. Ruining the beauty and comfort of the moment.

For someone who has made a lifetime of anxiety an Olympic sport – you can imagine that the idea of putting this on paper had me immediately spinning.

But – in the name of making just one other anxious mama feel a little less crazy – I decided to go for it.
Brace yourself.

FIRST! … in my defence, when crazy shit happens to you, you lose that sense of ‘this stuff happens to
OTHER people’. You realize you ARE ‘other’ people. So yeah, after a Jerry Springer-esque divorce,
cancer, loss of friends and family … I feel a little exposed to the universe’s psycho whims.

So yeah – insane stuff crosses my mind. Please keep this in mind as you continue to read. Please.

a) I panic when people suggest a change in car passenger seating.
What if agreeing to let my kid switch to your car, is the worst decision of my life? If something happens
to your family, it will of course be my fault. What if I take YOUR kid and WE get into an accident? Also,
my fault.

b) When my kid asks if he can take my car on a road trip – my heart stops. Literally.
What if there’s a car accident? My decision to give him the car will have led to this tragedy and I would
be completely responsible. Maybe someone else should drive? But now maybe making THAT decision is
the fatal one. Not an easy call.

c) Whenever hubby and I book travel arrangements, I worry that we’ll die on the plane, train or
automobile – ONLY if one or both of my kids aren’t travelling with us.
I usually write a letter (in case I plummet to my death) for anyone left behind. Disturbing stuff, I know.
Worse? I don’t worry when we travel as a family. I guess my anxiety is comfortable with us perishing
together. However, I do fuss over seating arrangements. We need to be together – just in case one part
of the plane actually survives the crash. Reasonable logic.

The list is endless and usually involves travelling, but I think you get the picture.

In the end, I always have to ask myself “are you making this decision based on fear?” Because ‘they’
(who are ‘they’??) say fear shouldn’t drive decision making. To which my stupid inside voice always says
“of course you moron – we NEED to be afraid. Duh.”.

Here’s the best part.
I do let the kids switch seats at the last second.
My boy takes the car on road trips. We travel and everything turns out fine.

Now, one might say that this should make me question my anxiety and that stupid ‘inside voice’. But oh
no – the voice assures me that the very fact that I worried provided the safety net required.
The moment I get loosy-goosey and stop caring – that’s when shit’s going to go down.

So, there it is. I hope my gf is happy I shared. Maybe she wanted me to look foolish? What if she really
thinks I’m nuts? What if she’s sitting there now laughing?
Oh brother, here we go again …

If you’re like-minded, jump in and share please. I would really appreciate stories much worse than
mine.

#terrorintheskies #fataldecisions #perishthethought