Things are feeling shitty.

When you’re over forty (OK, fifty), the time between a medical test and receiving the results can be excruciating.  EXCRUCIATING.

As I write, I’m waiting for the outcome of a colonoscopy and the five polyps that didn’t survive the procedure. The little assholes (pun intended) were sent for biopsy and now I wait.

Young Pam would have forgotten about the pissy polyps the moment she left the clinic.  But over 50 Pam? Not so much.  Once you’ve been on the receiving end of crappy (pun not intended) news, you just expect that’s how things go down now.  Every. Damn. Time.

So, here’s a glimpse at what my life has looked like lately:

1. Bargaining.

I’ve entered into negotiations with God and anyone else who will listen. Things like: I will be more present, I will exercise more, eat better, ease up on the wine, blah, blah, blah.  I will be BETTER. Which is hilarious for a cancer survivor who is the same person she was before THAT bad news.

2. Eating. 

One day I start the aforementioned healthy diet, loading up on everything green. The next? I’m guzzling a cab while ramming Cheetos in my mouth. Afterall – I do need comfort right now. Totally justifiable.

3. Obsessing.

My results consume my thoughts, which seeps into every decision I make.  Order that table for my family room?  Why bother? I could be getting bad news soon, and a pretty table won’t matter.  Dress on sale?  I’ll only need pajamas in the hospital. Pass.

I’m aware that it all sounds very disturbing. I’m also aware that it’s likely the result of a little PTSD from my last go around.  But it’s my reality and I know many others who have found themselves in the same predicament. 

Like me, they once thought this stuff happened to ‘other people’.  Then, life unleashed a little b#tch slap and BAM, they realized they ARE ‘other’ people.  So yeah … we worry.

Keep your fingers crossed for me, would ya? Me and anyone else who’s waiting for THE call.   #colonoscopy #noshittynewsplease #passthewine

p.s. I waited to get my results before sharing this post. I didn’t want to ‘jinx’ myself.  Results came in today and all is well.  Proving once again that worrying works for me.  Looks like I have dress to order.